Every now and then, one’s spirituality may find itself in a pool of stagnation. A disconnect from the divine, lack of direction, and perhaps mundane life itself gives the feeling that the water isn’t flowing. Some of us seem to complain about that feeling more than others. Maybe it’s due to a struggle with mental health issues, at least in my case. I could swear that I’ve been doing better. My own depression and anxiety is much more manageable than it used to be. And yet…
And yet, I long for something that I feel I lost somehow. Yes, I have my UU Pagan group meetings and rituals. I go to Unitarian Universalist services nearly every week. There is a deep connection there. I also try to go to other local Pagan meetups and events when I can. These are all things that are important to me. And yet, they do not offer the same connection to the divine that I found without them. They don’t offer a direct opportuninity to the connection to Loki, Fenrir, or The Morrígan that I crave. My relationships with Them is personal. It’s always been so. These gods whom I love in so many ways are a piece of the vase that I feel is missing. That shard allows the water to flow.
For a while, I had been dedicating a specific day a week for each of Them. I would keep it simple: light a candle and incense, maybe say a prayer, and briefly meditate. I’m finding myself fall out of that practice. It’s begun to feel hollow. Does this mean that it’s time to change it up for Them? Or move on from Them? That latter idea is heartbreaking to me. I don’t think that I can. Sometimes we simply have to push through. Gods, my gods are worth more than me giving up on Them. They are worth more than my begging for Their efforts while I do nothing.
This is far from the first time that I’ve felt a disconnect. Sometimes life happens. Sometimes They have Their own reasons to take a step back. They have always returned to me, in some way. If not by visiting me in a dream, then by doing so in my waking headspace, or sending a sign. I have to wonder if these deities have somehow spoiled me with the fleeting power of Their prescence. I am like a child who has had the most delicious chocolates every day for months on end now being told, “That is enough for now. Go eat something else.” It is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. When I feel as if the gods are constantly active with me, it can become almost overwhelming. I begin to stress out about discernment, about whether I really am worthy enough for their attention. And yet, it is like a drug. I am always craving more no matter how much it begins to hurt. This is truest of all in regards to my relationship with Loki. “You have my heart for as long as you want it. Return to me soon, stay with me. Allow me to feel Your presence.”
I say that I feel this disconnect. It is true, but it wasn’t so long ago that I dreamed of Loki and His blood-brother. It felt almost more real at the time than my waking life. I communed with Loki later via pendulum and He confirmed that They had visited. It is likely possible that there is some work that I have been avoiding, that I refuse to allow myself to recognize. That is certainly something that could make one feel disconnected. I suppose, in writing this, I may have begun to answer questions that I wasn’t sure I had. It also bears reminding myself that the gods are with me in some way, however small it may seem, as long as I am thinking of Them.