Don’t listen to them when they say you’re either this or that. Don’t let them tell you that you can only love one or the other. Sexuality and romantic attraction is more fluid, has more grey-areas, than what some prefer to think. Sometimes those grey areas can become muddled, leaving someone questioning their own truth. It’s okay to question. Doing so should be encouraged, in fact. But, that doesn’t always mean it’ll be simple.
When I was younger, I barely realized that having romantic feelings for the same sex was something that happened. It took years for me to be able to realize (looking back) that my feelings for one childhood friend weren’t just platonic. I’d had a crush on her. Had I not moved away and had I thought she might share those feelings, maybe we could’ve been more than friends.
I was able to admit to myself as a teenager that I liked people regardless of their gender, but it took until after I reached adulthood for me to realize that I was also grey-asexual. This was something I’d never heard of up until then and I had worried that something was wrong with me.
Being married to someone who presents as a cis-gender male, people will often assume that I’m straight. For bisexuals, our identity is often erased by others who think that someone can only be gay/ lesbian or straight. Sorry not sorry, it doesn’t work like that. It’s not a switch that gets flipped.
Another assumption made is that being in a relationship and having romantic feelings for someone must include a sexual attraction. Sure, it does for most people. But, there are those who never experience that sort of attraction or desire. There are also those, like me, who only do sometimes. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with me, that I don’t love my spouse, or anything else.
Despite my own surety that I’ve figured it out, I should admit that sometimes I do continue to question. What if I really am a lesbian in denial, rather than a grey-bisexual (or is it pansexual*)? What if I’m not? What if I’m just a person who loves who I love, and wants sexual intimacy only once in a while regardless of my partner’s gender? That’s not a bad thing.
I am in that grey-area of love and attraction. There are many others. There are likely some who deny it because they’re told it doesn’t exist. It does and everyone who exists within it is valid. Don’t let them tell you it’s one or the other.
*While I am attracted to people regardless of gender, and so pansexual may be more accurate, I’m still attached to the label of bisexual and so that’s what I most commonly use.
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